One Way Or Another
by lumixedia
Summary: An attempt to follow Kylo Ren's character arc through the sequel trilogy, and understand how he arrived at the place where he landed.


_A dormitory._

Twelve-year-old Ben Solo looked into Luke Skywalker's eyes, illuminated by the lightsabers crossed between them.

So that's how you see me, he thought. You're horrified by the parts of me that you can't control. You'd rather kill me than let me walk any path other than the one you think you had the right to choose for me.

I'll show you, then. If you're so afraid of what I could become, then I'll become exactly what you're afraid of. That's just what you deserve.

I'll show you.

_Starkiller Base._

Twenty-nine-year-old Kylo Ren looked into the scavenger girl's eyes, illuminated by the cold light of the holding cell.

He stepped closer, his hand reaching toward her face. For a moment, he saw something in her, something at once startling and familiar, like a lost memory-but she flinched away from him, and the moment passed. He touched her face and pushed, pushed again, into her mind. It should have been easy. She was just a scavenger-girl-

But she pushed _back_. Her power-her strength-her shape within the Force, the beauty and clarity and warmth of it, like a lightning bolt-he had never seen anything like this-

And she was in his head.

He gasped and pulled back, cutting off their connection.

She looked at him steadily.

This scavenger girl-Rey-she's extraordinary, he thought in wonder, as he backed out of her cell. She's wasted on the Jedi...

_Still Starkiller Base._

"Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you."

Part of Kylo was furious. After all these years, he thought, after sending me to die by your dear friend Luke Skywalker's hand, you think you can call me back with a word and a gesture, like some sort of pet? Where does this hubris of yours come from, this blindness? What will it take for you to understand?

I'll show you.

Another part of him whispered, _I can't. I can't tear out this piece of my heart._

But he let the fury fill him, and ignored the whisper, and turned the lightsaber on.

He'd hoped that that part of him, whispering _I can't, I can't_, would be burned away by the lightsaber's blade. But it wasn't. It fell with his father into the abyss, and it wouldn't stop screaming.

_The Supremacy_.

Rey sat before him, inside his quarters on the _Supremacy_, across a fire in a hut on a long-lost planet.

When was the last time someone had faced him like this, neither as master nor subordinate, but as an equal? And what a worthy equal! Everything he'd seen of her through their connection had confirmed his initial impression: this was a person who could do anything, if only she realized that she had a choice.

If only she realized that she could choose _him_-they would be unstoppable.

She reached out to him, over the fire. Their hands touched-and he saw.

He saw them standing side by side, as immense as gods. He saw the galaxy, all four hundred billion of its stars, laid like grains of sand at their feet. Every person who had ever tried to control him was a microscopic speck on one of those grains, so small and irrelevant he couldn't obey them if he tried.

He saw Luke Skywalker interrupt, tear them apart. As their hands separated, she remained as immense as before, but he shrank down among the grains of sand. He shrank so much he could no longer see her, and the vision ended.

It didn't matter. In fact, Luke Skywalker's horror was proof: he'd finally found the beacon he'd been looking for his whole life. So many people, Skywalker included, had tried to dominate him, to turn him into an extension of their will. Only Rey had ever approached him as a peer. Only Rey had ever asked "Why?" instead of merely shouting "No!" Only Rey had ever tried to read him, not just write over him.

They would be Emperor and Empress. They would rule the galaxy together. Whatever it took, he would convince her of this: their places were by each other's side.

_Still the Supremacy_.

Rey, bound by invisible ropes before Snoke's throne, futilely straining. Snoke, supremely certain of his victory.

Just because your Force powers are greater than mine, Kylo thought, you think you can bend me to your every whim. You think me an inert object, a plain block of wood you can sculpt with a knife. You've never even noticed the parts of me that you can't touch.

You've never noticed that I don't need you anymore, because I've found a path of my own with someone else.

I'll show you.

He cut Snoke in half, and for the first time in his life, he felt like he was standing on his own two feet.

_Crait._

Kylo bent down in the cave dust, looking at Rey across a great distance. Then she slammed the door in his face.

This wasn't over, he told himself. One way or another, he would find her again. One way or another, he would give her a reason to stop running from him.

_Exegol._

"I have been every voice you have ever heard inside you head."

Kylo stood before Palpatine, a shriveled corpse dangling from his life-support systems like a grotesque puppet, yet as arrogant as he'd been at the zenith of the Empire.

You think because I've listened to you my whole life, Kylo thought, I can't stop listening to you now. You think because you made me, you know what is inside me. You think because you aimed and fired me, you know where I am going.

I'll show you.

_Endor._

Again and again he reached out to her. Again and again she fought him. She weakened, but would not yield. She stumbled, but would not fall.

"Ben."

His mother-

Rey's lightsaber went into his stomach.

He crumpled.

Was this it, then? He thought, looking up at her shocked face. Was this his destiny after all, not to stand with her, but to be sacrificed by her on the way to glory? To be just another speck on a grain of sand lying at her feet? Empress of the galaxy, finally coming into her own...

But she knelt beside him, and touched him. And as her energy flowed into him and knitted his insides back together, he finally saw her for what she truly was.

"I did want to take your hand. Ben's hand."

She left.

Now he understood. The same resilience and clarity that made her spirit shine so brightly made sure that she would never come to him where he was standing. She could not be changed, could not be bent.

If he wanted her to stand beside him, he would have to go to her.

Maybe once he did, she would understand where he had come from. Maybe once they were together, they could be each other's guides through the worlds they knew best. Maybe he could-not change her, but expand her point of view, as she had expanded his. Make her even greater than she already was.

But none of that mattered at the moment. What mattered was finding her, one way or another. Giving her his hand, whatever it took. And what it took was being Ben Solo.

So let him be Ben Solo.

He felt for the piece of him that was screaming, even now, from the abyss where his father had fallen. He spoke to it, faced it as he had never dared before. Fine, then, he said. For once, I will do as you say.

He threw his lightsaber into the ocean.

_Exegol, again._

Ben Solo, near death himself, bent over Rey's lifeless body on the floor.

It wasn't meant to be, then. They would never stand together, indomitable, as they had in his vision. Only one of them would leave this cave of endless darkness.

Only one of them...

He was lost, and he was broken, and he had no way forward without her.

She was wise, and she was mighty, and she could be everything he couldn't be.

If she lived, she might come to rule the galaxy after all, if she so desired one day. Or she might become the great teacher and spiritual guide that Luke Skywalker had tried and failed to be. Or she might find some other, even greater path that he could not even imagine. And then he might stand beside her in spirit, if not in life.

If she died, there would be nothing left of either of them.

He pulled her to him. Live for both of us, he thought, and gave her everything he had to give.

_Still Exegol._

Rey woke up, looked into Ben's eyes, felt his energy within her, and understood.

He had given her life-his life. A great gift, impossible to return in kind...

Did he know his way into the Force? Was what he had done enough to light his path? He had found his way to her, but he was still lost...

Every little bit helped.

She kissed him. And into the kiss she poured everything she had learned about life, and love, and joy, and kindness in her short yet illuminating years. As you have helped me live, she thought, so let me help you die. A coin for the ferryman to take you across the river, a lamp to show you the way. Go where I am pointing, and don't be afraid. We will meet again soon.

He smiled. She caught him as he fell, and watched as he let go, and exhaled, slowly, as his body faded away. He had made it.

Well done, she thought. Then I will live for both of us, and you will always be by my side.


End file.
